Freaky Tweets & DMs (Warning: Adult Content, Purely Verbal)

The time has come for me to address the 800-pound dick pic in the room. The invisible elephant, which is appropriately phallic because I’m talking about all the freaky tweets and direct messages I get. (Of course, I also get pictures, but I’ll spare you those.)

Why me? I’m sure I’m not the only person who experiences this phenomenon. Yet, no one talks about it. Why not? Does talking about it make it worse? I guess I’ll find out.

Why now? Call it a new year’s resolution—or the result of just having had a birthday. I’m one year closer to death and one year less able to take any more of your shit. And by you, I mean The Internet. I’m saying right now, 2016 is the year the gloves come off.

I am not a webcam model. I’m 44 years old—that’s middle aged, if I’m lucky. I have silver hair, a massive mortgage, and a mountain of stinky tween-ager laundry to wash. I’m usually covered with a fine coat of dog hair and I woke up this morning worried my lint trap might be clogged up. And no, that last one wasn’t a euphemism.

And yet, I get rafts of freaky Tweets and messages weekly. In fact, I collect them in a Freaky Tweets file. Which means, now you can savor them, too.

So here are my top ten:

1. The Deluxe

This one is a doozy. As far as word choice and poeticism, it’s the Cadillac of inappropriate DMs.

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Avi blurred to protect the not-so-innocent.

Yes it has a few typos, which only lends to its machismo, its exotic romanticism. Clearly, this model is an import, whose existence might be due solely thanks to Google Translator.

2. The Restraining Order

This one ranks high on the creepy meter for obvious reasons.

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“And how elastic would you say your skin is?”

It’s that last sentence that really drives home the ick factor. This is the Tweet that led me to create the Freaky Tweets file in the first place. Mostly, to document why I might wind up stalked or, you know, in the bottom of a dry well with only a basket and a bottle of lotion.

3. Direct & To The Point

You have to hand it to this guy. He gets to the gist of his request quickly.

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And by that, you mean…?

Needless to say, I have removed the phone number from this screen capture. But it was there. Which makes me wonder if he has a dedicated phone for interactions like this. And how would he know which random internet person he was speaking to? And since I have his number now, should I feel free to distribute it to others, for example, on bathroom walls?

4. No Bells or Whistles Needed

Straight from Latin America, the land of … Latins … and Americans.

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Well…thanks!

This one is kind of nice. I mean, if it were from someone I actually knew, it would be pretty pleasant. As it was, I didn’t receive any additional messages from this guy, so that was also…nice.

5. An Appreciation of Assets

This guy is on the right track. Kind of. I mean, everyone likes to be appreciated for who they are. And by that, I mean, my age. I’ve pretty much looked like a child my whole life (until recently), so I like that he got my age in a ballpark kind of way. But now I’m paranoid that you can see my butt from the internet, and these pants are making me look fat.

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My headshot clearly shows this.

6. The Caveman Special

This message, like the one before it, if given in the right context, could be…you know, okay. If you’re the type of person who likes to be clubbed over the head and dragged into a cave.

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No, thanks. I have a fiber capsule that’ll take care of it.

On its own, this message hits all the crazy alarms and goes right into the Freaky Tweet file.

7. The Reek of Desperation

Slow down there, partner. You don’t even know my full name. You don’t know anything about me, which I’m assuming because, for one thing, it says I’m married in my bio. You may also have missed the “snarky” part.

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BFFs 4 EVAH!

And after this message, you may call me Cthulhu, and that’s Mrs. Cthulhu to you.

8. Are We Dating?

Because if we are, I don’t think you get my sense of humor.

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Also, if you knew anything about me, you’d know I hate talking on the phone. And well, pretty much talking.

9. The Way to A Woman’s Heart

This guy has potential. Not with me obviously. For one thing, I can’t eat dairy. But his game plan is solid.

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Banana? Haha. I get it. Because bananas are ridiculous-looking.

10. Don’t Feed The Trolls

Every once in a while, I respond. I know I shouldn’t, but my impulse control is getting worse the less I care. Not a good habit to form, I realize, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.

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I mean, who shaves during the winter? AmIright?

 


 

When I’m not responding to messages on Twitter or Facebook, I write humorous mysteries.

You could, for instance, try one of these…

The Bride Wore Dead (Josie Tucker Mystery)

Dim Sum, Dead Some (Josie Tucker Mystery)

35 thoughts on “Freaky Tweets & DMs (Warning: Adult Content, Purely Verbal)

      1. Okay, here is the one I got this morning: “I’m gonna love you so good girl, it’s gonna set you on fire”….. I so wanted to respond that I didn’t think that was going to work out well for me in the end, but I didn’t I just blocked him/her/whatever! lol

  1. Lol! XD

    No words…just too funny!

    On behalf of men who wouldn’t think of doing this to you or anyone else, I apologize for those morons who think this kind of behavior will get them anything but jail time. 🙂

  2. Just the very best laugh of the day! What a hoot. I luuuv the legs…
    You nailed it. Let me know if you wanna borrow my snake gun.

    Best to you and yours for all of 2016 and beyond…
    Forty-four is fabulous age. I loved mine and 50th and 75th, too.
    Jackie Weger

  3. I’m dying right now. Because it isn’t me this is happening to, it’s funny, but I can understand how hard it would be not to respond. (I lack the sense to shut up!) thank you for sharing and FYI, your legs are sexy as hell Em, hair and all! lol

  4. Great post, Emily.
    I have a cure for your dog hair problem.
    Give the god to the neighbours and stop having pets (sorry–companion animals) around the house.
    Tee hee.

  5. Emily, I laughed so hard, especially with the legs photo – bless you, I needed that. Of course, we all get these messages, and I don’t know what others do, but I block them – 100% guilt-free. Yep. Strike one and they’re out. No second chances. And I NEVER reply to them either. Life is too damn short for any kind of cyber-bullying or harassment 😀

  6. These are ah-mazing. And by ah-mazing I mean completely terrifying. (How can you NOT respond to some of these?!?! LOVED the legs!)

  7. As a man, (a fellow GenX’r within a year or two of you, @ similar point in life w/ family etc.) I found this at once sad, maddening, and only b/c you are a good writer – hilarious. I know I laugh with my male privilege protecting me from having to have a freaky tweet file, so I hand it to you ladies who still engage Social Media despite that barrage.
    Thanks for sharing!

  8. I agree with the other men here, sorry you have to go through that. But glad you have a sense of humor about them. Some of them do sound like a scam I heard about Asia trying to get money out of women. I have had a friend or two over their get dragged into them. The others are just plain…disturbing.

  9. what a hoot! I had a good laugh. Sorry for those of you that tweet and get these type of messages. Some people have no boundaries.

  10. Hello EM

    I’d always wondered if this shit happened.
    Hilarious.
    And had I read this post years ago I would have immediately shut the door when a reader claimed they were in love with me after reading one of my books. I was flattered and responded politely – not a good idea, and it took months of blocking the same person creating new twitter accounts.

    The legs pic was the best!

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