The time has come for me to address the 800-pound dick pic in the room. The invisible elephant, which is appropriately phallic because I’m talking about all the freaky tweets and direct messages I get. (Of course, I also get pictures, but I’ll spare you those.)
Why me? I’m sure I’m not the only person who experiences this phenomenon. Yet, no one talks about it. Why not? Does talking about it make it worse? I guess I’ll find out.
Why now? Call it a new year’s resolution—or the result of just having had a birthday. I’m one year closer to death and one year less able to take any more of your shit. And by you, I mean The Internet. I’m saying right now, 2016 is the year the gloves come off.
I am not a webcam model. I’m 44 years old—that’s middle aged, if I’m lucky. I have silver hair, a massive mortgage, and a mountain of stinky tween-ager laundry to wash. I’m usually covered with a fine coat of dog hair and I woke up this morning worried my lint trap might be clogged up. And no, that last one wasn’t a euphemism.
And yet, I get rafts of freaky Tweets and messages weekly. In fact, I collect them in a Freaky Tweets file. Which means, now you can savor them, too.
So here are my top ten:
1. The Deluxe
This one is a doozy. As far as word choice and poeticism, it’s the Cadillac of inappropriate DMs.
Yes it has a few typos, which only lends to its machismo, its exotic romanticism. Clearly, this model is an import, whose existence might be due solely thanks to Google Translator.
2. The Restraining Order
This one ranks high on the creepy meter for obvious reasons.
It’s that last sentence that really drives home the ick factor. This is the Tweet that led me to create the Freaky Tweets file in the first place. Mostly, to document why I might wind up stalked or, you know, in the bottom of a dry well with only a basket and a bottle of lotion.
3. Direct & To The Point
You have to hand it to this guy. He gets to the gist of his request quickly.
Needless to say, I have removed the phone number from this screen capture. But it was there. Which makes me wonder if he has a dedicated phone for interactions like this. And how would he know which random internet person he was speaking to? And since I have his number now, should I feel free to distribute it to others, for example, on bathroom walls?
4. No Bells or Whistles Needed
Straight from Latin America, the land of … Latins … and Americans.
This one is kind of nice. I mean, if it were from someone I actually knew, it would be pretty pleasant. As it was, I didn’t receive any additional messages from this guy, so that was also…nice.
5. An Appreciation of Assets
This guy is on the right track. Kind of. I mean, everyone likes to be appreciated for who they are. And by that, I mean, my age. I’ve pretty much looked like a child my whole life (until recently), so I like that he got my age in a ballpark kind of way. But now I’m paranoid that you can see my butt from the internet, and these pants are making me look fat.
6. The Caveman Special
This message, like the one before it, if given in the right context, could be…you know, okay. If you’re the type of person who likes to be clubbed over the head and dragged into a cave.
On its own, this message hits all the crazy alarms and goes right into the Freaky Tweet file.
7. The Reek of Desperation
Slow down there, partner. You don’t even know my full name. You don’t know anything about me, which I’m assuming because, for one thing, it says I’m married in my bio. You may also have missed the “snarky” part.
And after this message, you may call me Cthulhu, and that’s Mrs. Cthulhu to you.
8. Are We Dating?
Because if we are, I don’t think you get my sense of humor.
Also, if you knew anything about me, you’d know I hate talking on the phone. And well, pretty much talking.
9. The Way to A Woman’s Heart
This guy has potential. Not with me obviously. For one thing, I can’t eat dairy. But his game plan is solid.
10. Don’t Feed The Trolls
Every once in a while, I respond. I know I shouldn’t, but my impulse control is getting worse the less I care. Not a good habit to form, I realize, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.
You could, for instance, try one of these…