Good news!

I have good news. I don’t mean that in a religious way. Although it’s tangentially related…Never mind, let me just show you what I mean:

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Crap. Now you know my middle name. But at least you don’t know it’s Chinese for “Beautiful Orchid.” Crap.

Thanks to an internet site and me clicking some buttons like a highly skilled chimp, I can now officially perform marriage ceremonies. But, why, Emily? you may be asking. (I get that a lot.)

1. Bucket List

I don’t have many things on my bucket list. I don’t have the urge to jump out of a plane, walk on the Great Wall of China, or swim across the English Channel. My neighborhood rules won’t let me have a miniature goat, and I’m not sure where I’ll find a toddler elephant. A best-selling novel would be nice, but for whatever reason, getting ordained to marry people was on my list.

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Goal #1: complete all items on list before it rains.

2. Ultimate Power

Like becoming a doctor, President, or a priest, joining two people in matrimony holds a certain appeal. Not for everyone, I understand, but for me, yes. Whether it be in Klingon or Latin, I’m your go-to marriage gal, though I’d have to learn either one of those. (Pah, details!) However, I think a mitre and scepter might be a good look for me.

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Jaysus. I can’t even keep my own house clean.

3. Quick & Easy

Getting ordained to perform marriages is so, so much easier than becoming a ship’s captain. But as it turns out, everything you learned from watching The Love Boat was a lie. Ship captains don’t have the authority to marry people. Which means that I now have more power than the captain of a ship. In a tiny, insignificant way.

Ship's captain
Who wants to get married on your stinkin’ poop deck anyway?

4. Zombie Apocalypse

Everyone knows when the zombies come, there’ll be no time for formal ceremonies. You do the best you can with what you have. First, you raid the local Walmart for weapons and prescription drugs. Then you and the next-to-last person on earth huddle together to share body warmth. Lucky for you, I’ll be there to perform the marriage. And then eat your brains, probably.

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Dammit, Daniel, you forgot the coupon again.

5. Fallback Career

When I told my husband I was buying an Elvis costume to go with my new powers, he believed me. Apparently this latest development after the dance instructor training was not a shocker to him. Which leads me to believe this may be a legit fallback career for me, if the whole book thing doesn’t work out.

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Thankyuverramuch.

 


 

When I’m not working on my bucket list, I’m writing humorous Josie Tucker mysteries. Josie Tucker #3 will be out this summer. In the meantime, catch up on the first two.

10 thoughts on “Good news!

  1. So funny! I actually did the same thing, getting ordained so I could perform weddings and funerals. My bucket list is odd.

  2. What no sled racing in the dachshund division?
    No cat drag racing?
    No terrorizing the neighborhood kids on Halloween?
    No setting up your own Wombat eradication biz?
    What about joining the Dark Crusade?
    SIGH

      1. Let’s see:
        financial independence,
        pay off the house,
        retire early [like NOW] from my job [kind of goes with financial independence] so that I can go do what I want when I want and how I want,
        go back to Taiwan and live again [food is AWESOME],
        travel China again [been to a few places like Hong Kong and Gui Zhou but would like to see some others].

        That about does it.

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