Why Trump Will Be the Next President (And How I’m Always Wrong)

I hereby lay down my bet as to who will be the next president of the United States. Officially. Publicly. Without reservation. I’m telling you right now that Trump is going to be the next president.

Do you know that old saying, “Even a stopped clock is right twice a day”? I am not that clock. I’m not even a racist, poor, or uneducated clock.

clock
And you were wondering how a clock could be racist…

All awkward discomfort aside, this post is not about politics. It’s about my favorite topic: me. Please indulge my narcissism. I promise it will last a lot shorter than four years.

Because I’m not running for office, I can say terrible things like, yes, I think the earth is on a crash course toward purging itself of its human infestation. Only through revolution can we break free from our current oligarchy. Canned spray cheese is delicious. Skinny jeans are attractive. I can say whatever horrifying things I happen to believe, with great conviction, because I am always wrong.

Here is my proven track record.

Cyndi Lauper will outlast Madonna.

The cream will rise to the top. Pure talent will outlast a gimmick every time. You can bank on that.

cyndi-lauper-costume-3
“Does Madonna know huh bra is outside of huh shirt?”

Michael Jackson is better than Prince.

I mean, the dude could dance. And not just one step. He was the King of Pop, a true humanitarian, not just some weirdo in high heels and eyeliner.

mj-at-neverland-twitter
“Just think of how many kids’ lives I’ve touched.”

Backstreet Boys are so much more talented than any of  those ‘N SYNC guys

JT
Fine. Never mind.

Dan Quayle is the most vapid candidate for VP we’ve ever encountered…

Sarah Palin
“Oh, that’s rootin-tootin clever. I see what ya did there. Red, white, and blue, I tell ya. Hell yeah, America.”

I will guess the gender of your unborn child.

Expecting a child? Ask me to guess whether you’re having a boy or a girl and you will, with absolute certainty learn the gender. Do you know why? Because I am always wrong in my guesses—no exceptions. Always. Wrong.

And when you have a binary problem, being 100% wrong is as good as being 100% right.

Screen Shot 2016-05-15 at 3.37.58 PM
“I can tell you without a doubt, madam, that your child will use the women’s restroom.”

This is my prognostication. You heard it here first.


But don’t listen to me. Make your own informed decisions. I’m just a writer of snarky mysteries.

5 thoughts on “Why Trump Will Be the Next President (And How I’m Always Wrong)

  1. https://youtu.be/nucg5VAff4c

    This is why I love you…. among many other reasons. We will rule the Post-Apocolyptic Wasteland with an iron fist! Fuck Human Rights! Might makes right and right means area-style gladiator matches with us as judge and jury! You and I will protect Jeremy in the post-computer age. I’m sure he’ll know how to make generators that run off of dung or blood or something. Whatever . We’ve got the guns, we make the rules!

      1. That link was supposed to be your quote, “Only through revolution can we break free from our current oligarchy.” I don’t know where that myth busters link came from fut it’s pretty awesome. Drunk commenting can be dangerous. I’m glad it didn’t turn out to be something awful!

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